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Epic Fail: How a Pink Unicorn Onesie Compelled Actor David Boreanaz to Block Me on Instagram

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This article originally appeared on Talk Nerdy to Me Lover in 2017.

Note: I am reposting this here, as I have been recently been rewatching Buffy on our streaming service, Stan, over the holiday break, and I remembered this story. So sit back, relax and enjoy this crazy tidbit from my life.

***

I’m on a mission. Not from god, like the Blues Brothers (but that would be awesome…)

I’m on a quest to meet all of the Buffy The Vampire Slayer cast members (either by way of panels or meeting them in person. I have met or seen nine ﹘ I only really have four more to go, including Buffy/Sarah Michelle Gellar herself.)

In my quest, I recently met David Boreanaz who plays Angel, as he was in Melbourne, Australia, for one of our big cons here called Supanova.

I love Angel. I have loved Angel forever. Like, eternity. Isn’t he like every 13-year-old’s dream boyfriend? HELLO, VAMPIRE WITH A SOUL.

Cue: *smouldering*.

Supanova Day 1

It was day one, after Supanova had ended. We had started drinking in the hotel bar just after 7pm. It was me, my mum, my brother, and my dear friend of nine years (and Supanova publicist) Lionel.

There we were, snacking on a cheese platter with strawberries, and dried dates and figs, and downing too many $16 glasses of Sauvignon Blanc ($16 PER GLASS?! WHAT?! Did they have one of the dwarves from Snow White out the back crushing the grapes?!)

By 10.30pm, some of the Supanova guests had started to filter back to the hotel and to the bar, returning from a con-related event they were required to attend. David walked in with his childhood friend, Patrick, and David’s manager Tom (this was the same manager David’s had for 20 years ﹘ the one who discovered him walking his dog Bertha Blue in L.A. landing him the role as Angel on Buffy).

By this stage, I was a far more animated version of myself thanks to the very expensive wine (think a Looney Tunes cartoon character hiccupping bubbles, but I was far more sauve in my mind at this stage ﹘ the alcohol just made me more chatty and friendly).

So all three of them swarmed around Lionel (who was sitting opposite me), and Lionel invited them to sit with us, like the reverse of Mean Girls (you CAN sit with us!) and I was like…

But instead I said, “come join us!” And they did. By this stage, some sort of exchange had happened, and I was was standing near Lionel, teasing him about not answering my text messages from the night before.

“Why didn’t you answer my text messages, Lionel? I was at work, one block away from here, in a unicorn onesie!”

The night before, I WAS in a unicorn onesie for a games night at the startup I work with. I was head of games night. And because we want to be a startup valued at $1 billion, we have unicorn onesies. I have the pink unicorn onesie. #truestory

David asked, “what’s a unicorn onesie?” My eyes widened (no, seriously, they did. I still remember this detail because I felt my eyes turn into giant bowling balls in my sockets), and I said, “You don’t know what a unicorn onesie is?! Let me show you!”

I had my phone on me and opened Instagram, showing him this photo:

To which David asked me, “What do you do?”

I replied, “I’m a copywriter for a startup that does coaching programs to teach web designers how to build their business.” (Yes, even while tipsy, I can remember my ‘elevator pitch’! *High fives*)

David looked at his friend Patrick and said something like, “Smart AND pretty.” Thank the Whedonverse that these days I don’t #fangirl out anymore (as I am way too sophisticated for that), but in my mind, I was like, that’s such a cliche BUT…

So we sit down and by this stage, I’m still teasing Lionel, sitting on the arm of his chair, which is next to David.

David then asked me, “What’s your Instagram?”

I gave him my details (here’s me on Instagram if you’re so inclined), and he DMd me as I was sitting next to him.

And this is how the exchange started…

And then he starts to look at my Instagram Stories…

Right in front of me. (Disclaimer for those with eagle eyes: I’ve blurred out my other viewers. Yes, there is a different username for David at this stage. In early June, David’s account became verified and he changed his username to have the extra ‘o’ in it. That’s why the screenshots differ as I took screenshots of our DMs in June.)

By this stage, I think we’re getting drunk around David Boreanaz. He seems pretty sober (he’s nursing half a Heineken) and I’m at the stage where everything is hilarious and if you ask me questions, I just have to think a lot harder to answer. (I do remember them asking me about how I met Lionel and my meeting with Alice Cooper, to which I replied, “Alice asked me to take some candy from the dressing room. It’s like all my Halloweens came at once!”)

My brother, Stu, is ordering herbal tea for David’s manager Tom, who is complaining of having a sore throat and feeling like he’s got the flu. And Patrick (David’s BFF) is asking my mum questions like, “What’s the most embarrassing story you have about your kids between the ages of one and five?” and “What were they like as teenagers?”

To which I chimed in, “Me as a teenager? Straight As and constant overachiever right here.” *points to self like I got bling on all my fingers*

At one point, Patrick said, “I like your skirt.” I was wearing a galaxy print skirt. I replied with a thank you, as he added, “it’s an aurora Boreanaz skirt.” (referring to David’s character in Family Guy.) And David looked over, and nodded in agreement, “yeah, you’re right.” (Later on that night when sober me returned: “OH MY GOD. DAVID BOREANAZ KINDA NAMED MY SKIRT.”)

Then Patrick and David started discussing a trip they went on when they were 19 years old. Like getting lost in Europe without cell phones and by chance, reconnecting a day later at the train station (Patrick took the wrong train) and having to steal back their wallets from a gang in Ireland, and something to do with a grizzly bear in Barcelona. And I think there was something to do with David having his dad’s credit card at one stage… I wasn’t really paying that much attention as they weren’t talking to me. I am a Leo, so my default setting is “PLEASE PAY ATTENTION TO ME IN ALL MY LEO GLORY.”

I’m sitting there like…

I had returned to my seat which was opposite David and Patrick who were *deep* in conversation, and they started doing this hand gesture. And during David’s panel at Supanova, he mentioned he was OBSESSED with Instagram’s Boomerang, so I said, “Let me get a Boomerang of you two doing that!”

So I did. And it looks like this:

Yep, that happened.

I said to David, “I don’t want to put this on my Instagram without your approval of it and the caption.” So I handed my phone to him to get him to post it. And he posted it. (Later on that night when sober me returned: “OH MY GOD. DAVID BOREANAZ TOUCHED MY PHONE AND I AM NEVER WASHING IT EVER AGAIN.”)

When the night was coming to an end (they were starting to retire to their rooms), David and Patrick had left the table, but were just outside the bar, and I needed to go to the bathroom. I popped a cracker with cheese into my mouth, and scurried off to the bathroom.

So I scooted past them chewing my cracker, saying, “I have to go to the bathroom but I’ll see you guys tomorrow!”

To which Patrick and David called me over, and after an exchange about visiting New Orleans, David followed me to the hallway that led to the bathroom (as I had been commenting on the artwork in the hallway, flailing my arms about in a very dramatic fashion, like I should be wearing a 1940s-style full-length silk bathrobe with kitten heels that have pom-poms adorning them to accompany my astute critique of the artwork, darling).

It was a painting of two humans with giant white rabbit heads on them in a field that looked like a scene from The Sound of Music. If The Sound of Music was set in an alternate universe where evil bunnies had taken over. The caption had something about exploring identity.

I said, “Look at this! It’s meant to be exploring identity! I don’t want to explore identity on my way to the bathroom!”

“They have giant red eyes!” David replied.

I leaned into the painting. “Oh my god. You’re right! What the hell?!”

He was laughing at me. Or in my mind, it was with me. We’ll go with that.

We said our goodbyes, and he gave me a hug. (Later on that night when sober me returned: “OH MY GOD. DAVID BOREANAZ HUGGED ME.”)

My brother escorts me to the car, as by this stage, we’re all a little tipsy, and I get to the car, and I’ve received a DM from David. It was something about me “swimming in wine”, and something about one of my Instagram photos. I reply something smart-assy as I usually do when I’ve had too many glasses of $16 Sav Blanc.

He then says something my tights. Yes, I was wearing black, patterned tights and apparently David was a fan of them. Okay…

David sent me two DMs that were VERY flirty, and in my mind, I was like, ‘nope, you’re married and I’m really NOT into that kinda thing.’ So I said it in a very sweet way ﹘ the way dating books say to do it.

I wrote, “Love ya but I noticed the wedding ring, and I’m kinda only into being ‘the one and only’.”

And he wrote back, “I respect that👍”

This was all #TooMuchDrama for me, because #ThisIsNotTheHills and I’m not Lauren Conrad.

*This conversation is over* (Who else misses flip phones? Raise your hand! ✋🏼)

I texted my friend Ed, who lives in St. Louis, when I go home. I wrote, “you need to stop me from drinking as I get myself into weird situations.”

And I told him what had happened.

And he wrote back, “I’m at a conference, and you’re out getting drunk with actors. You’re so Hollywood right now.”

Thanks for the support, Ed. 😉

I woke up the next day and I’m pretty sure the whole thing was like some sort of weird #TeenageDream I’ve made up, and the whole thing didn’t happen, so I check my DMs and a majority of David’s half of the conversation has been UNSENT!

*insert dramatic music*

My first thought was, I didn’t know you COULD unsend messages… And next thought: I better do the same thing, as I look at my side of the messages, and it reads like I was totally crushing on him in an stalk-you-at-the-airport-and-break-into-your-house-and-sniff-your-hair-while-you-sleep kinda way.

So our DMs now read incoherently like this…

Props to me for trying to typing The Weeknd’s lyrics while tipsy. 🙌🏻 #madskills

So that was that.

Case closed. End of chapter. Or so I thought.

Supanova Day 2

At the end of day two at Supanova, and we wanted to say goodbye to David, Patrick and Tom, so we waited until after David’s signing had finished, and they all come over, and David shakes my mum’s hand, and my brother’s, and then gets to me, and I’m ready for the handshake, and he envelops me in this HUGE BEAR hug, and I’m standing there like…

Or pretty much like this…

THANKS FOR THE WARNING, PAL! 😉

And we talk about the panel he did that day and how terrible the questions from the audience were. And we say our goodbyes, and I check my Instagram about an hour later, and I have a DM from David…

I HAVE A GREAT FAMILY, YOU GUYS!

Oh yeah, my brother got a photo with him but didn’t have to pay the $110 photo fee so that’s why we said we wouldn’t share it on social. (As to not upset the hardcore fans.)

So that’s all very sweet and cute.

Two weeks later, it’s David’s birthday, so I wished him a happy birthday. And he replied two days later with a…

I’m like “WE ARE FRIENDS! THIS IS GREAT!” Because I love having loads of friends who are awesome people and whose talents I admire.

So we DM on and off. When he was posting pics of him at the doctors (or a hospital), I DMd and said, “get well soon”. And he replied with “trying” and “it’s rough”.

He checked my Instagram Stories every so often (but he never follows me, so clearly we are friends who just wave at each other in passing at cocktail parties and make polite chit-chat about the weather and the type of wine they’re serving, and how much we all NEED a vacation this summer).

In the above one, he’s checking the Instagram Story of a card my BFF Ed sent me. (I later tell Ed it was this DM that pushed David over the edge; I’ll explain all ﹘ keep reading.)

Back at work on June 13, and it’s the CEO’s birthday for the startup I work with (the one we’d love to have valued at $1 billion to be a “unicorn”), so I bought her a unicorn pinata.

And so I get into my unicorn onesie to be #HeadOfUnicornPinataHitting. (And hopefully enter some sort of unicorn wormhole.) And I get one of my colleague to take a video and Boomerang of me doing this…

And I send the 15-second video version of this event to 20 of my Instagram friends. And David. The caption read “Just another day at the office”.

David opens it.

But doesn’t reply, which isn’t unusual.

Until…

One day I wake up to find I’ve been BLOCKED.

*insert dramatic music*

David blocked me three days AFTER I sent that video, so that can’t be it. Unless he really, really, really, really doesn’t like unicorn onesies.

Or it was Ed’s card that pushed him over the edge weeks ago. This was just a disaster waiting to happen!

I was pretty ticked off to say the least. So I moped around for 10 days (10 days!), like, “WTF happened? Are people all crazy lately? It was JUST a unicorn onesie!” then decided…

To turn it into this to drum up some copywriting business. Because it’s hilarious. And because strategy.

Meanwhile, I’m still on Instagram, scrolling, scrolling, scrolling… Still blocked.

Luckily, my brother has access to David’s account. I’ve only missed posts of his dogs and a Roomba vacuum cleaner. Living the Hollywood dream!

So the moral of the story is: never meet your flirty, childhood heroes who happen to be your teenage fantasy idea of a perfect boyfriend: A VAMPIRE WITH A SOUL.

CAN I GET AN AMEN?! Don’t worry, David, I still #LoveYouLongTime. And I’ll be watching your new show Seal Team like…

Now, onto my quest of meeting Sarah Michelle Gellar (Buffy). Maybe she won’t block me on Instagram… *Touch wood* But truth be told, I did like being the Chosen One for all of my 15 minutes of fame.

(You didn’t think I’d finish this entry without this GIF did you?)

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